Quote Of My Day

"You can't control other people's actions/feelings, but you can control your own, so get the fuck over yourself" ~ unknown. and I threw in a fuck and changed it from "it" to "yourself". I like to curse and I like to give myself reality checks every now and then.

Too much work for a Friday. Too much work for my own good. Good weekend to all and to all a Good Weekend.

If you remember this short-lived Growing Pains spinoff that aired almost all day on USA for the following years in syndication, you get a brownie. God bless those "Lubbock Babes" when you're a 12 year-old boy (they're last name was Lubbock and it was the name of their quartet pop singing group... I'm not misogynistic)

Selfish People

I'm convinced that 99% of our population has narcissistic personality disorder. Definition, Wikipedia, I know I know, but Wikipedia kinda rocks the shit now: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness."

If you don't believe me that so much of our population is riddled with this disease, just go on Facebook. I've never actually done this, but would be interested to see someone who dared to try. I just see so much narcissism on Facebook, it supports my claim ten fold. You should try it. The next time you see someone reaching out, feeling so bad about themselves that they feel the need to share it with their world of friends/co-workers/ex-schoolmates/adquaintances, whether it's in an update or just hating how they look in pics and fishing for compliments. Pick up the phone and call that person. Tell them you knew they were sad and wanted to know if they want to talk. Listen to them bitch, they will really appreciate you care enough to pick up the phone and call them, trust me. Then, contact them when you have an issue, even if it's made up, just do it, see if they care, do they listen to you? probably not. They'll more than likely just wait until it's their turn to talk, cut you off a few times in the process and then give some story about how their baby is waking up from a nap, they need to do some work or that they're "hubby" will be home soon from work and they need to finish dinner. "Hubby". Who knew that people still referred to their husband as hubby until Facebook came along? And if they do comment on your situation direct, they'll find a way to tie it into their situation after you're done speaking. These people should not procreate.

I have NO IDEA how this ties into what I just wrote. But I just stumbled upon this and can't believe I forgot about this cheesy ass sitcom. "Be Good To Yourself... and Each Other" ~ Jerry Springer.

Stress and the Economy

So what's the deal yahoo?  One day after our day off because we all work so hard, you decide to remind me that shit's about to go down?  Just like the youngsters head back to school, after Labor Day our country decides it's time to put us back to work after having the summer to relax, go to the beach, sip iced tea and snooze in hammocks.  Now it's time to buckle down and accomplish.  I guess.   Here are the two top links that appear when you go onto the yahoo home page.  My opinion, the largest ranging "news" source in America.

1. http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/americas-most-stressful-cities-2009.html.  Stress.  Are you stressed? Are your bills too high and your job sucks?  Ever feel like jumping off a building or driving head first into traffic.  Don't fret, you don't live in the most stressful city in America according to this article.  What's that? You're still stressed? Well fuck you because I do live in the most stressful city in America so I don't want to hear yous bitchin'.  The factors for making Chicago stressful are crowding, poor air quality, a high unemployment rate and free-falling home values.  Luckily for me, I like being able to disappear into a sea of people, I smoke cigarettes, I have a job and don't own a home yet because I'm too much of a gypsy drifter.  So, I guess I can't get mad at you for bitching if you want to.  Feel free to vent.  I do possess the trait of empathy so pass the tissues, we all got issues.

2. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090908/bs_nm/us_competitiveness_report.  What's up America? Losing a competitive competition with the Swiss?!?! Your economy used to be competitive as shit, what's happening? Losing your game USA?  We've always been the most competitive nation in the world according to this competitiveness (is that even a word?) report.  So what's the deal?  Turning soft?  You'll never make it into the NFL with that attitude.  I feel this article is offered to us to inspire us to get those competitive juices flowing; That race to get promoted between you and what's his face; That rush to the other security lane at the airport cutting off at least 10 people while doing so but who gives a fuck because I got places to go mother fucker!;  That massive brawl at Walmart between hoards of baby boomers at the crack of dawn the day after Thanksgiving to get little Johnny that video game that he wants so badly, and if he gets it, he'll be the coolest kid in class and you will be a good parent.  Come on America!  Quit being a bunch of fucking pussies!  Get competitive!  

I hate yahoo news.   This is fitting and I do like Dolly.  4 Day work week this week. Holla.

Movie Review: 500 Days of Bummer

Okay, this movie wasn't that bad, but who could resist such a quirky title for a movie review?  Perhaps it was the buildup, the anticipation, the being told by more than one movie-opinion-trusted friend how '500 Days of Summer' was the best movie of the year; the "When Harry Met Sally of our generation".  Who would not be disappointed when the movie that was pitched in the trailer as an anti-fairy-tale romantic comedy still turned out to be a fairy-tale romantic comedy?  A cleverly masked one to reel in the gents, but still a typical boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy and girl live happily ever after.  It's just done differently.

I am making this a point to write a movie review for the flicks I see because the new site will be launched soon and there will be an entire section devoted to "Movie Reviews".  This is my first attempt... and it's taken me awhile strangely.  Just in case anyone is interested on my take.  I will do my best not to spoil anything major about the plot, therefore if I mention something in depth about the movie, it means the information was either already revealed in the trailer or the information will not ruin your experience of a movie unfolding before your eyes.  That being said, if you're like me, you avoid reviews until after you see the movie.  If that's you too, please feel free to comment on your take, even if you strongly disagree with my assessment, I want to understand why or why not particular movies resinate with some people and not with others.

Quote of the Movie: Narrator: "There are two different types of people in this world: men and women."

First off, while I didn't walk out of this movie with the "OMG, like I'm gonna go Twitter everyone to see this movie" type attitude (I don't tweet by the way, that was a joke), I want to acknowledge that the strong direction of Marc Webb handling Scott Neusdadter & Michael H. Weber's script was both imaginative and original.  Set in Los Angeles, we are immediately introduced to two characters, Tom and Summer, by a narrator who stays with us the entire movie as an omniscient observer.  Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) grew up with the belief that he would never truly be happy until he meets "the one".  Although his parents consistently fought in front of him, they stayed married throughout his "happy" New Jersey suburban upbringing.  Summer (adorably & aggrivatingly played by Zooey Deschenel in her best performance yet) grew up in the suburbs of Michigan.   Having a hard time dealing with the divorce of her parents at age 10, Summer  never quite bought into the unrealistic Disney-esque fairy-tale expectations of "the one".  Summer developed an obsession with cutting off chunks of her hair after realizing that it didn't hurt her and that the hair will eventually and always grow back.  She grew up being spoiled by both parents, being showered with love, gifts and money on both sides.  She grew up pretty, a cheerleader, popular, the kind of woman who has always gotten things for cheap or nothing at all because people just naturally want to help her.  This is all displayed to us from a narrator before the credits ever roll, and when they do, we're greeted with a clever creative montage after being told flat out : This is not a love story.  These two people do not wind up together.

When Summer starts a job as an administrative assistant at the greetings card company that Tom writes for, Tom instantly falls in love the second they meet.  Summer doesn't believe in love at first sight and due to a few mutual traits they share and the "idea of Summer", Tom falls in head over heels.  Due to an infatuation with how Tom sees love, and skillfully revealing that Summer deep down wants to feel that too, she enters the relationship and the two are a happy domestic couple for the next few months.  Then Summer gets bored and that's how the dissolution of their relationship plays out over the following days, months, and almost two years.  The director plays with time so we are constantly switching days as we switch scenes so we really get to see every stage of a breakup, this time seen more through the emotional rollercoaster that is Tom.  This is where it's different from other romantic comedies, it's seen from a guy's perspective.

We see funny and entertaining interactions between Tom and his two best friends, Paul (Matthew Grey-Gubner) who has been in the same relationship with the same woman since high school and Paul (Geoffrey Arend) who has never been in a relationship in his life.  The two offer the best advice to help their friend out, but it's essentially Tom's adolescent sister Rachel (Chloe Moretz), she is my favorite character in the film, who is the only person to get through to Tom as he breaks down as Summer slowly pulls away from him.

The only thing I didn't like about this movie was Tom's character and Gordon-Levitt's acting. While obviously written as a semi- autobiography by the writers, I believe Levitt's portrayal goes too over the line of pathetic-ness, so over that line that you start to lose respect for his character.  I think he did the best he could do with that role, however it made this 90-minute movie seem way too long for me.  I also was disappointed with the ending.  I will not spoil that because well, it's the ending and that's kind of the reason you see a movie; to find out what happens. However for me, the ending turned this anti-fairy tale romantic comedy into just a regular romantic comedy.  It didn't really teach me anything, it merely just pointed out how happy, sad, romantic, angry, grief-stricken, depressing emotionally draining and rejuvinating a failed relationship can be.  Unfortunately, the dissection of failed relationships is a very relatable theme for people.  While I don't quite agree with their take on the mystery of love, partly because I have nothing but failed relationships to compare this movie to, I am however excited to see what Webb, Neustadter, Weber and especially Deschenel do next.  I've liked her since Elf.

Best Song on the Soundtrack: Regina Spektor "Us".

Please check out other Regina Spektor songs if you like, she's got skills.

Horoscopes

So when I am connected to myself, I feel a certain connection to tides and currents.  and yes, I read my horoscope every morning.  Perhaps it's a bit hippie-ish, a big stoner-ish, or just a bit gay-ish.  But thats....okay.  This is mine today, and I can't agree with it more pertaining to how I've been feeling lately.  I had a restful yet fun weekend, and this week shall be an easy-going one with no bullshit drama; only real ideas, people and exchanges.  I'll make god damn sure of it.

Pisces:

"Every now and then, you need to get emotionally intense, experience a tender exchange of sentiments or just sit down and have a heart-to-heart with someone. This is definitely one of those times. You won't settle for anything that even remotely smacks of a surface encounter. You want depth, intensity and passion -- and if you don't get them, you'll take your toys and go home."

I'm sick of superficial bullshit.  I live in a region of the nation that thrives off of superficial bullshit encounters with one another.  I'm done with it.  Bring it deep or take it to the streets people.  Life's too short to play games.

Chaos!

Okay, I feel terrible.  I just realized that I have only posted ONE entry in the month of August.  To the few people who actually read this, I'm sorry, but really I'm not sorry to you, but to me.  Because I have discovered that writing on this site is very therapeutic for me and today, well every person I've met has been in chaos, unravelled, ready to explode.  I'm overseeing the taping of two Judge Mathis cases today and the weather is miserable so people are miserable.  I'm listening to a lot of Tupac.  

Has anyone watched an episode of Punky Brewster recently?  It's about an orphan who meets an old lonely man and he becomes her foster parent.  Real topical for it's time.  I saw an episode last night.  Really, it's much better when you're five, however it's an interesting show nonetheless.  Makes me wish I lived in Chicago during the early 80's.  Is that possible?  Has anyone invented a time machine yet damnit!?  The show only lasted a few seasons because Soleil Moon Frye grew up and grew enormous boobs, she needed a breast REDUCTION surgery.  I had never heard of that procedure before Soleil Moon Frye came along.  Thanks to the daughter of hippies for introducing me to a plastic surgery I would have to say "NO!!!!" to if ever approached by someone saying "I think I should get a breast reduction surgery."  

You're The Best Around

Confidence is key.  Sounds fucking cliche but it's true. It's a sense of security in who you are that other's sixth sense can pick up on if it's there... or if it's not.  It comes and goes.  It's fleeting.  It is apparent to others when it's not there.  It's natural to second guess yourself at certain times in your life, but it's a disconnection to who a person truly is that causes a lack of self belief that has the ability to trickle down into every facet of your life. It is apparent in every move, every gesture, every word that comes out of your mouth. Confidence. Get it.  Anyway you can.  Watch this video.  Sing this song in your head all day if you will.  But I have a feeling if there is anyone out there reading this right now who may be lacking a little self-confidence in at least one area of their life (I'm guessing and hoping 100% of the population)  Then play this video right now.  Notice all Daniel-san has to do to prove he's the best around.  I've simplified the task.  You can do it just by listening to this song right now and turning up your computer speakers extra loud.  Then, for the rest of the day you will be super confident and shake that ass when you walk down the street.

Feed Off of the Adrenaline People!

As I prepare myself and make sure I have my insurance card with me for an appointment with a neurologist who has the potential of giving me really shitty news and also has the potential of giving me really great news about mi back! So I decided just to comment on that feeling in your gut before a Doctor's visit. It's just this pit deep down in your stomach.  It's like the feeling of butterflies when you're nervous around a crazily beautiful woman, (notice I said crazily, not crazy) except bad, real bad because you don't get to look at said crazily beautiful woman. You get to look at a sterile room with fluorescent lighting, sitting in a paper robe, waiting for some guy (sometimes woman) you've never met to pick and probe at your body. It sucks. I'm not excited.

I'm sticking with the classic tv theme shows to sum up my blogs for now. I kinda like it. I hope this guy walks into my waiting room today. If only life were how it is in my dreams. Imagine the possibilities.

What's in the News

Guess what everybody!?!? Shocking news just broke on Yahoo, one of the leading sources of mass information transfer (Is that a term?) in the world. My eyes were drawn to it by it's picture, but decided to find out more about it based on the headline. It was right there on the homepage, big and bold. Get ready for this shit. "K-Fed's Weight Shocks Fans". Boom!

This is a mildstone day for me. I can't believe it. I haven't felt like this since I heard Michael Jackson died. Let me take you through my thought process as I read this article.

Turns out Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. Wait what? Why? But it wasn't for his golfing skills; Then what could it possibly be for? it was over his size. Holy Bejesus, would you listen to that? But what about his size? Did he shrink? Did Kevin Federline become the world's tiniest man since breaking up with Brittany Spears?

At one point at (the) Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic; Who the fuck is Ryan Sheckler? an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, "Man, that's a belly on him! That's K-Fed!?!?" Holy shit that must mean really fat. They used two exclamation points AND two question marks.

Federline underwent scrutiny after packing on major pounds last spring. Oh, poor Kevin Federline. It must be so tough to be Kevin Federline. He's so poor and has so much talent yet can't catch a break. Fuck you Kevin Federline.

His ex Shar Jackson laughed off criticism. Wait why? Why is she commenting and laughing about Kevin's weight? This is no joking matter Shar. Wait, don't trip.  She's gettin paid!  "It's daddy weight!" Shar said "When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you. If gaining a few pounds is your only problem, life's not too bad" Oh, whooo. Crisis overted. Thank Jesus Christ Almighty. It's not a big deal people, he just got fat because he loves babies. It's cool. He's a parent and loves him some babies. The new baby smell, the cribs and listening to "The Wiggles" and shit. He's a really good dad and loves babies. Vote Federline for Governor of California '12.

The Green Card Lottery

So I step into a cab last night and say hello to the cab driver as I'm getting in. He was of the friendly driver variety, big smile and a "how's it going?" attitude in his speech as I told him where I needed to go. You never know if you're going to get a guy in a shitty mood when you get into a cab in Chicago, you can usually tell right away if they feel like having a conversation or if they feel like staring dead straight in silence. But this guy was different from other cab drivers, he was of middle-eastern descent (that's not so different) however he was wearing a button down shirt and tie.

"I know you," he says. "You were in my cab before. I remember you". Suprised. "Really?" I say. "When?" "Last week, I picked you up after a Cubs game with two girls". Having not gone to a Cubs game, I said, "You must have me mixed up with another guy, haven't been to a Cubs game this season, but at least were the girls good looking who were with the guy that looks like me?" He insisted. He picked me up. "You work in Television, you are a Producer and you moved here from somewhere. You were talking about going to college in Florida". Freaked me out a bit, was this a mystic psychic cab driver? Finally, we figured it out. Some friends who I hadn't seen since college stopped through Chicago last week on a road trip (thank Facebook for that reunion, although I still somewhat despise social networking, but one has to adapt) and we went up to Weiner Circle, a hot dog joint in Lincoln Park kinda close to Wrigley Field. The mystery was solved. But still, what's the chance of having the same cab driver in a city of 3 million people twice in the same week? Especially one with such a good memory. This was a particularly interesting guy as it turned out to be.

He is Iranian and told me how he had first moved to Chicago in 1976, but returned to Iran during the Revolution of '79 to make sure his family was safe, and wasn't allowed to come back here until 2006. Do you know how he was able to come back here? He won the lottery. Yes, in Iran there is a lottery every year to choose who is allowed to get a green card to go and work in America. I had no clue. I wish I can win the lotto here so I can never have to work for someone else again and do what I want to do for the rest of my life. In Iran, they wish they can win so they can move away to a place thousands of miles away (and family to keep in mind, his 27 year old son is still there whom he hasn't seen in three years) to make practically minimum wage driving a cab around the city twelve hours a day. What he likes about America so much? It's open-minded and you can say what you want. Amazing. He is a good driver too, got me there safe and provided great conversation. A worker like him is welcome in my country any day. Immigration is a good thing in this jew's opinion.

Hell, another classic 80's sitcom can sum up my thoughts on Immigration. Here.

It's Friday

and that makes me want to put on a step show with my cane and enjoy a summer weekend. Good morning, I'm at work and gots shit to do so I can say right now is enjoy a song during your day today. So just sit back, relax for a second and enjoy the music of the Tribe if you get a few minutes to spare.

Not much coming out this weekend movie-wise unless you're interested in the act of inducing yourself to vomit by going to see "The Ugly Truth". I kind of want to see "The Orpan" though. Fucked up little kids usually scare the shit out of me.

HSIOW

There was a strange tide shifting in Chicago today, I can't explain it but nobody I know was acting the way they usually do. I can't keep my eyes open right now so all I have is a Carlin quote tonight before this head hits the pillow and I drift off to a blissful valium wonderland.

"Fuck cutesie names for restaurants like TGIF (Thank God It's Friday). They should name a restaurant HSIOW (Holy Shit It's Only Wednesday). People would drink a hell of a lot more if they thought it was Wednesday all of the time."




Rest In Peace GC. I pour out a little gatorade to your memory.
I'll clean that up in the morning.

Ow My Balls.

I was flipping through the boob tube the other day (I love the term boob tube, because whoever came up with it was probably so excited that you got to see boobs on TV that they named it that) and I came across a show called WipeOut. I caught about five minutes of it and realized "Holy Shit, this is "Ow, My Balls" from Idiocracy.

If you've yet to see Idiocracy, see it, it's fucking genius. Here's the basic premise as told by wikipedia.

"The film tells the story of two ordinary people who are taken into a top-secret military hibernation experiment that goes awry, and awaken 500 years in the future. They discover that the world has degenerated into a dystopia where advertising, commercialism, and cultural anti-intellectualism run rampant and dysgenic pressure has resulted in a uniformly stupid human society devoid of individual responsibility or consequences."

I could have better described it but I have to actually do some kind of work today. In the movie, "Ow My Balls" is the most popular show in America in the future. It consists of a guy constantly getting injured in the balls. WipeOut, which is a real show today, airs Wednesday at 8PM, 7 Central, is basically the same concept. Actual proof that the predictions Idiocracy makes about our declining society will come true. Scares the piss out of me honestly. I don't know where they even find the tards to come on this show.

Ow My Balls
Ow! My balls!


WipeOut


Poor Jacob!

Our society is fucked!

Happiness

So one of the things that pissed me off when I first moved to Chicago was the emergence of a free newspaper called "The Redeye". I lived in the Lincoln Square neighborhood of Chicago at the time and my subway commute to work was a little over an hour. The station was outdoors and had a Dunkin Donuts attached. Every morning before I greeted the Indian woman who served me my coffee and bagel, I took off my earphones for a minute or two (usually - weather depending) to say good morning to Earl, a black middle-aged man who sold me my copy of the Chicago Tribune for 50 cents. "Good Morning Young Man!", he always said. We usually commented on the weather and I would finish my stoge as he handed me my paper. I almost always remembered to grab two quarters before I left, but if I forgot, Earl didn't care, he would just say "You got it. You're my customer." and I would give him a dollar the next day. Earl also bought me coffee one morning when I didn't have my wallet or any change. I bought him a coffee and a doughnut the next wee. and that's how Earl and my relationship formed over the year I was there. Earl was more than my newspaper guy, Earl was my friend.

Then, Redeye moved in, or who I referred to at the time as whitey. A middle aged balding fat white man stood right next to Earl and handed out FREE Redeyes to people approaching the station. This pissed me off, because everyone was grabbing the free paper instead of taking the time to stop and buy one from Earl. This was Earl's job and this fucker was fucking it up. The worst part of it all was The Redeye is crap. It's like a watered down version of the New York Post. There are a few news blurbs, a lot of poorly written articles, multiple pages of sports coverage and a pages dedicated to celebrity gossip like what color underwear Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend wears. Anyway, I snubbed whitey, purposely, every day. He would try to hand one to me, I would tell him "No" and then take out fifty cents and buy one from Earl. Earl loved that shit.

Over time, I moved away from Earl and Lincoln Square and Red Eye grew in popularity. Now, in the morning, all you see on the busses and trains of Chicago are Red Eyes, that's part of the reason why the Tribune is near bankruptcy. The Tribune bought out the Redeye by the way but still no one wants to read the insightful editorials of the Trib writers, they just like the short blurbs. It's the Idiocracy of America unfolding before our eyes. This morning, I passed a Red Eye stand and saw the headline. Big and bold.

"Generation Happy. Happy happy, joy joy: Young Americans aren’t feeling the stresses of pretty much anything".

What Bullshit. I had to read the article. Here it is if you're interested. http://redeye.chicagotribune.com/red-072009-happiness-main,0,7292756.story It really doesn't take a stance toward anything. Like I said, Red Eye is a shit "newspaper". I do have to say that the more people I meet out there in the "real world" aren't the young happy joy joy people this headline lead me to believe, they're quite the opposite. There are a lot of depressed young people out there. Shit, there are a lot of depressed people out there, period. But they're just dealing. They're just all in the process of learning how to deal with it. Now that's life. We all deal with it the best way we know how, it's called survival.

This article got me thinking, I still consider myself a young person, although I'm currently walking with a cane and have caught myself talking about the simpler "good ol' days' much more than I used to, I'm still young damnit. Am I happy though? I don't know. I don't think so. I've been a lot less happy in my life... so that's good. Is it really possible to live in an age when we have access to so much information about the shitty world around us and ever be truly happy? I say, look on the bright sides of the shit sides. The things that are shitty in my life ALL have a bright side. I have a broken back BUT I can walk. My job isn't stimulating BUT I have a job and therefore am not unemployed. I am single BUT I'm not in a shitty, unhealthy relationship. There will always be things that suck about our lives. It's all the color of glasses you look at life with that matters. It's a fact of llfe, you take the good with the bad. You must realize the bad to recognize the good. It's pretty simple, it's like the Facts of Life theme song. I just youtubed that song out of curiousity and I'll embed it just in case you feel like taking a gander.




Holy shit, I just wrote a whole blog and somehow managed to sum it all up with meaning behind the Facts of Life theme song. Back pain meds are making me a whackjob. Goodnight.

Typical Jewish Mother

This video always makes me laugh because it somewhat reminds me of my mother while I was growing up. Except my mother was beautiful, not quite as loud (but close) and obviously not a man dressed as a woman.

Thank Heaven

I have "blogged" before I guess, like little editorial quips/observations/musings what-have-yous at random times throughout the years, but this is my first time setting up a blog page.  So I don't know what to write.  So I'll start with something that made me happy this morning and will continue to provide early morning sunshine for days to come.  The brand new 7-Eleven pre-made Ice Coffees mothafuckas!!! 

I discovered this brilliant blend of absolute deliciousness, caffeine, sugar, and what I think might be some sort of variation of crack-cocaine approximately one month ago and let me tell you, if you've yet to endulge, what the FUCK are you waiting for?  It's like an orgasm in your taste buds.  Scratch that, that metaphor comes across too vulgar in this circumstance.  But seriously, try one.  It's hot out, why not? You don't have to do anything extra next time you go to 7-Eleven for coffee, IN FACT you can skip the steps of pouring in cream, or sugar, or a few ounces of that cappacino mix from that machine, which kicks ass in coffee by the way.  Skip all that shit, just grab a cup, put in ice and push the lever which dispenses the already made concoction into your cup. Mocha or French Vanilla, I highly recommend Mocha.  But that's just me, do whatever makes you giddy.  While you're drinking it, Smile. It makes you happy.  

I have been in love with 7-Eleven ever since I was a wee one.  What a wonderful place.  I can remember riding my bike there, summers growing up when a slurpee a day was a given, maybe even two and it was the only place in town that sold Big League Chew.  Throughout the years my love of 7-eleven grew when they introduced the coffee coolatta my freshman year of college, a slurpee version of coffee which turned into my gateway into a severe coffee addiction.  It also kept me up all night writing papers due the next day.  (I think the coolatta got bought by Dunkin Donuts because they have them there now, little history lesson for that ass).  Spare tire formed so I had to cool it on the collattas, but when it's hot as fuck down in the disgusting Florida humidity, that shit tastes gooooood.  

While I was in Florida last month, just weeks after the inception of the 7-Eleven Pre-made Ice Coffee hit the shelves, I had at least 3 a day.  Sometimes one at night if I knew I would be up late.  and guess what? each and every one made me happy.  It was truly a god sent.  He/She/It created that shit.  7-Eleven is a wonderful joyland of slurpees, taquitos and ice coffees.  It isn't a coincidence their slogan is "Thank Heaven for 7-Eleven".  Which leads me to my theory that perhaps like so many other American Corporations, 7-Eleven is a government controlled establishment readily available to us on almost every corner.  However, what makes 7-Eleven magical is that it's sole intention is to make us happy, collectively as a populace.  hmmm   Perhaps in these Ice Coffees are magic happy pills.  I think the introduction of the ice coffee is all a part of Obama's plan to stimulate the economy and our moods.  So go be a good American, a good consumer, and get yourself one.  Walk around while drinking it and listen to your Ipod.

I am in no way affiliated with 7-Eleven.  I'm just pretty hopped up on ice coffee right now.  Amongst a myriad of other things.

Sometimes I Just Don't Get People...

So, every morning I walk down to 7-Eleven, purchase a delicious iced coffee deluxe and walk across the street to what I thought was a full-on restaurant with tables and chairs on the sidewalk that no one ever ate at because no one ever sat outside. I smoke a cigarette, listen to my ipod, sometimes read the newspaper and start my day off right watching the early risers come and go from the buildings, the 7-eleven, and the Starbucks on the corner as the sun starts to channel through the streets as it rises over Lake Michigan. This morning was a late morning. I skipped 7-eleven and just smoked a cigarette. I peered into the storefront that I thought was a restaurant and realized that they made egg sandwiches, and coffee, and after I went inside, it was then I realized that it was an upper end italian delicatessin that sold to order breakfast and different types of salads and dishes sold by the pound and wine and liquor and blah blah blah. The place rocks, I can't believe I've lived in this building for three months and had no idea this place was across the street.

There were two people working there. Both under the age of 20. The male, obviously the manager and a teenage girl with piercings covering her face. An older woman, posh looking yet still unkempth, upscale, had them both working behind the counter on heating things, and side dishes, and how she only wants a quarter pound of this and a quarter pound of that. She spat out many other things that went ignored, either went ignored or these kids just didn't know how to socialize with her. Shit, I don't think anyone could. She was just standing there a few minutes after I walked up behind her, already paid, actually it was "credit on Gason's account" she said. She kept asking questions. It was starting to piss me off. I'm waiting, patiently for at least ten minutes now, for one of the two behind the counter, moving slower than molasses, to say "what can I get you?" and I would say "a croissant egg and cheese and a coffee please". Alas, the question never came. All the while, this woman just kept yapping and yapping.

I'm starting to really lose my patience, however where am I in a rush to? Nowhere. Guess I'll just find the amusement in this meeting of the minds. The topic of pizza comes up between the older woman and the teenage pincushion. "You guys serve pizza? Wait, I remember, Gason had pizza the other day and it was deliiiccciouss. He couldn't remember the name. Was it you guys?" Teenage Hellraiser just stared at her blankly. "Was it you? It was a white box. Do you guys have a white box" she yells to the manager who is now in the back doing god knows what. "Get a box. I want to see if it's a white box" The girl rushes off to the back. At this point I believe I mouth the words: "Are you fucking serious?"

"I want to see your box!" she yelled. "I want to see your box!" ; "Holy shit, she yelled it again!" I now have a huge smile on my face as the girl returns with a white pizza box. The manager comes back, looking confused about what the hell is going on" "That's it" the woman says. "I ate some of your pizza the other day, mmm it's good." They stare at each other for a few seconds, the woman then checks her bag to make sure everything was there. They both just stand there blankly and watch as this woman slowly rummages through her bag to make sure everything is indeed there. At this point, I don't know what the fuck is going on nor do I care. The older woman finally leaves.

Attention is finally on me. "Can I help you?" I point up to the sign. "Yes, three months across the street and I had no clue you guys were even here." cricket cricket. I point to the board that says croissant egg and cheese sandwiches, with bacon or sausage. "One of those croissant sandwiches please. with bacon". She looks confused. She looks at the manager and I shit you not he said this to me. "Do you want egg and cheese on that?" "Yes Numbnuts, I just want bacon on a croissant. Throw some extra bacon fat on that fucker and soak that shit up" But I didn't want to be rude. "Yes, bacon egg and cheese" I say. Then I say, "Was I the only one fucking cracking up when that woman was yelling "I want to see your box" to you?" Slowly it washes over them. The manager laughs, the teenage girl looks at me like I'm crazy. I pay my tab and enjoy the best fucking egg sandwich this side of Toledo on the sidewalk, listening to my ipod, watching the slow moving weekend world around me. Not to worry 7-Eleven, the coffee tasted like shit. I'll always love you my 7-Eleven boo!

Speaking of 7-Eleven, so I looked by the register the other day, and where the 5-hour energy shot glass things are. There are now new little shots that you can purchase for 5.49... ExTenze. So if you're confused and haven't seen this yet at 3 in the morning, take a look at this infomercial.





I want to make many jokes here, but I'll let that video speak for itself. I'll provide my idea for an ExTenze informercial later. Enjoy your Saturday people!