Guess what everybody!?!? Shocking news just broke on Yahoo, one of the leading sources of mass information transfer (Is that a term?) in the world. My eyes were drawn to it by it's picture, but decided to find out more about it based on the headline. It was right there on the homepage, big and bold. Get ready for this shit. "K-Fed's Weight Shocks Fans". Boom!
This is a mildstone day for me. I can't believe it. I haven't felt like this since I heard Michael Jackson died. Let me take you through my thought process as I read this article.
Turns out Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. Wait what? Why? But it wasn't for his golfing skills; Then what could it possibly be for? it was over his size. Holy Bejesus, would you listen to that? But what about his size? Did he shrink? Did Kevin Federline become the world's tiniest man since breaking up with Brittany Spears?
At one point at (the) Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic; Who the fuck is Ryan Sheckler? an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, "Man, that's a belly on him! That's K-Fed!?!?" Holy shit that must mean really fat. They used two exclamation points AND two question marks.
Federline underwent scrutiny after packing on major pounds last spring. Oh, poor Kevin Federline. It must be so tough to be Kevin Federline. He's so poor and has so much talent yet can't catch a break. Fuck you Kevin Federline.
His ex Shar Jackson laughed off criticism. Wait why? Why is she commenting and laughing about Kevin's weight? This is no joking matter Shar. Wait, don't trip. She's gettin paid! "It's daddy weight!" Shar said "When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you. If gaining a few pounds is your only problem, life's not too bad" Oh, whooo. Crisis overted. Thank Jesus Christ Almighty. It's not a big deal people, he just got fat because he loves babies. It's cool. He's a parent and loves him some babies. The new baby smell, the cribs and listening to "The Wiggles" and shit. He's a really good dad and loves babies. Vote Federline for Governor of California '12.
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Hey--anything that takes the scrutiny off Jenifer Love Hewitt's hips for a few minutes is a welcome break for me!
ReplyDeleteYeah, that was ridiculous wasn't it? Major news story: look how much weight someone gains!?!? yes, two exclamation points and two question marks. I felt for her. Private eyes are watching you. They see your evvverrry mooooveeee.
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